Monday, October 19, 2009

America's a free country

Yeah, maybe the kid's parents shouldn't have used him as the main actor in their publicity stunt. But you have to admit they are about as creative as they come. A giant silver baloon? The kid's parents are about to be arrested for allowing the police to believe their son was inside that baloon. The sherrif of their town said the following, "We were manipulated by the family, and the media has been manipulated by the family." The media? Manipulated?! NOOOOOOOO!!!! Now manipulating the police, the FAA, the Navy, Air Force, and Coast guard...well, that's one thing. But NO citizen of my county will get away with manilpulating the media, with all its moral and non-manipulative fiber. I mean, all those news stations HAD to power up their choppers and anchorpeople to cover this thing, right? And at the expense of whom? The powerless advertisers on their networks!
These folks who may or may not have set this thing up are just trying to give the economy a boost, people! I mean, the only thing that was lost was a little government money, and meanwhile we were all advertised to on whichever non-manipulative, non-partisan news source we prefer. I was just complaining in my last post about the loss of American ingenuity. This is American ingenuity! At least someone is still being inventive and taking strides toward a better tomorrow!!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009


This is an incredible story, brought to you by BBC via Travis' blog.

What if we all had this kind of creativity, whimsy, and determination after we got home from work?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Just another day on the subcontinent

JTLYK: The following did not end in tragedy...

Hey Dan, when you were traipsing around the Indian countryside the other day, did you happen to see my son? I lost track of him while we were riding on the train. See, I went to use the restroom and well, you know how Indian train toilets dump right onto the tracks, well, see, I was using the restroom and OH MY GOSH I ACCIDENTALLY JUST GAVE BIRTH TO MY SON WHO PROCEEDED TO GO THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE TOILET AND LAND ON THE TRACKS SO LIKE ANY NORMAL PARENT I JUMPED FROM A MOVING TRAIN BUT ITS OKAY BECAUSE WE WERE OBVIOUSLY BOTH PERFECTLY FINE BECAUSE IN A COUNTRY OF 1.2 BILLION PEOPLE THERE IS A 100% CHANCE THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO SOMEONE EVENTUALLY!!!

Yes folks, this happened. The craziest part of the whole thing? The lady had minor scratches after jumping from the train and the baby (who was full-term) had no injuries whatsoever. Not even a scratch. Here is the article.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I Said No, No, No.

(Pertaining to the poem below)
In case you are wondering, this happens to me every day. I get really excited about taking my last gulp of coffee, only it is just a few minutes after I have actually taken my last gulp of coffee. The grounds sit at the bottom of my mug as if they are having some kind of board meeting that I wasn't invited to, nor will I ever be. What are they discussing down there? I wonder if they talk about me like I'm some kind of weirdo, always staring down at them, wondering where their delicious solvent disappeared to.
And no, I cannot have another cup, for a few reasons:
1) I am already too biophysiochemically dependent on caffeine.
2) Diminishing marginal utility.
3) My thermos only holds two cupfuls.


Full of false hope,
I tilt my coffee cup, and look.


Welcome, long afternoon.


Dear reader,
I am going to start a campaign to be a more consistent blogger. Yes, I do this about once every two or three months. Get used to it.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Ryan started the fire...

For the last three months or so the break room at my job has had only one microwave to serve all 50 or so of us, and we all take our lunch at the same time. I’m sure you can see the problem with this.
Just recently, though, an optimistic young lady decided to take up a collection for a new microwave. Now, let me tell you that during this stint of only one functional microwave, EVERYONE complained. Do you know how much money she raised from 50 people to buy a new one? $30. Awesome.
Then, on the last day of the collection, another co-worker (think Creed Bratten), came in with a brand new microwave to donate. Then the next day we had a total of three of them! It was great. No more waiting for 10 minutes while everyone cooks their frozen-solid, processed TV dinner type meals. Plus, the two new microwaves didn’t have the chronic smell of burnt popcorn. Did I tell you that people here don’t know how to cook popcorn? About once a week the whole office smells like char and smoke from that carcinogenic yellow glue that lines the inside of microwavable popcorn bags. And secondly, who microwaves popcorn at work? We’re not watching Varsity Blues, people! We’re providing healthcare! But alas, we have new microwaves, so my lunch doesn’t have to smell like that, right? Wait, what’s that smell? Its only 7:45 in the morning. Who eats popcorn at 7:45 in the morning? PEOPLE! Who eats burnt microwave popcorn at 7:45 in the morning!!!??? NOOOOOOooooooo!!!! (Cry fades off to an oblivion foggy with popcorn smoke.)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Chiggers Revisited

It must be chigger season in the upper midwest right about now, because a whole lot of people from uproundthoseparts have been visiting my blog via google, from searching for images of chiggers. Here in Florida we get chiggers around early summer. But that is not an invitation to move here. I mean, we can't fit everyone in this, the best darn state in the Union AMIRITE!?

On a related note, last year Florida had a declining population for the first time since sometime around WWII. YAAAAYYYYY!!!!!



A poem by Mr. Frost to commemorate this, our second real day of fall weather in Gainesville. This weather gets me more pumped than a lot of things. Add two cups of coffee to that and I start annoying my co-workers.

Gathering Leaves
By Robert Frost

Spades take up leaves
No better than spoons,
And bags full of leaves
Are light as balloons.

I make a great noise
Of rustling all day
Like rabbit and deer
Running away.

But the mountains I raise
Elude my embrace,
Flowing over my arms
And into my face.

I may load and unload
Again and again
Till I fill the whole shed,
And what have I then?

Next to nothing for weight,
And since they grew duller
From contact with earth,
Next to nothing for color.

Next to nothing for use.
But a crop is a crop,
And who's to say where
The harvest shall stop?